Tired; Not Tired

With aching spine, legs and eyes

My being cries for sleep.

It doesn't matter, the night flies

I'm still here, laptop open, sad heap.

Growing older and knowing less

Reading over what I had written when I started this blog I can feel how much I've already changed. I've gotten older, a little more cynical perhaps too. I've realized a token of Socrates' wisdom: that we really have such little knowledge.

I thought - and still sometimes do - that I could piece the whole puzzle of life (existence, the cosmos, people, nature, evolution, all of it) into a picture that if not complete, is simply missing the pieces at the edges. It is an enjoyable and thoughtful past-time: but who am I to comprehend the most elusive question; what is our nature, and does life have a deeper meaning?

We really are as children before the deep enigma of Life. 

I miss the walks in the forests and the fields of back home

The heart is willful, the mind unruly.
I try to find quiet, but never quite manage it.
I want peace but there is not room to breathe.
Living on campus is fun.
There is a bizarre sense of the constant rush of people.
But, I do miss the gentle walks, the cool wind on my face, the empty path in the woods.
These lift up my entire being,
They remind me I have a soul.

Being cut off from the natural world is like having an umbilical cord cut.

Fragility, Acceptance, Resilience - God/ peace/ fullness can seem F A R off; but it is in reach

I haven't written in a long while. A lot has happened. My heart has hurt, my head has hurt and I've wondered at times if I am a good person. I do so want to be a good person. I think deeply but I know my limits. The fragility of the human temperament is incredible; however, so too is it's resilience.

For me I have woken up one morning and felt awful emotionally, physically, mentally, or spirituality - a twist of chance: a particular encounter or conversation; a moment of serenity breaking through the daily stresses - and by that evening have gone to bed contented (and vice versa too).

I am grateful for the life I have. I want to live in God's embrace. I want to be stronger in keeping to resolutions, big and small: committed to what I intend to do. Often I get distracted, and wander off the good road of perseverance and the satisfaction that that brings, and in its place choose immediate pleasures. From watching a television show when I could be using that time reading; to looking at pornography; to drinking; to smoking - I am not perfect. But I have never been perfect. I am not. And it is in my lowliness that a sense of happiness emerges: a phoenix rises from the ashes of my soul. For by admitting my faults, I find God. A sense of peace ripples through my being like ripples on a lake.

I end with a quote from the Spanish contemporary of Shakespeare, Miguel de Cervantes =

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.